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Martial arts as repped by Tai Chi hours are upon us, kids. Are you ready to witness the might and grandeur of this traditional martial art? Will you be able to handle the grace and fluidity of an octagenarian thinking they can fight? You better hope so, because it’s time to watch a lot of useless flailing.
Before we delve back into the depths of Tai Chi absurdity, please remember to hit us up at the Bloody Elbow mailbag by e-mailing your questions to Mailbag@BloodyElbow.com. Substack members, please be sure to include your handle. Questions can be about literally anything, not just fighting. I’ll personally answer and disappoint you.
Tai Chi martial arts master only needs three moves
We’re back to our pal Jerry over at Fight Commentary Breakdowns, where we’ve pulled a classic out of his vault. A Tai Chi martial arts specialist decides to issue a challenge in which he will defeat an opponent with only three moves. Anyone willing to take any bets on how that works out?
I’ll give you a minor spoiler here, but this guy in black fighting against the Tai Chi guy is not that much more legitimate. He’s an Iron Palm master. So let’s not get too excited about one guy looking goofy when we have the opportunity to see two traditional martial arts guys in the ring looking like utter schmucks.
Furthermore, Jerry explains that not only is the man in black an Iron Palm guy, but he got humiliated by Xu Xiaodong. You may remember him as the MMA fighter that got into some hot water by battering impractical Kung Fu masters selling fantasy fighting and making it look delightfully easy.
So with that in mind, here’s the opening salvo:
See, an old dude pushed another old dude. And good god, do I hope you’re in the mood for more of exactly that.
Unfortunately, the camera guy is in the middle for this shot. Tai Chi guy decides he’s going to unleash his first devastating martial arts attack. What is it? It’s a two-handed strike that the other guy saw coming two weeks ago. Easily parried. It has an effect with about the same impact as a loud fart.
Iron Palm then shoves Tai Chi guy with a lot of gusto.
Then Iron Palm taunts him a little, having some newfound confidence and understanding perfectly clearly that this guy is all huff and no actual threat. Iron Palm has had enough and gives him a taste of what that palm has to offer.
Smacked the 13 principles out his ass, mother of mercy. It’s at this point that I came to the realization that the main hook of this video to me is how funny the Tai Chi guy looks when he gets pushed and smacked around. He falls funny, he reacts funny, it’s just there.
At a certain point, your credentials become useless. This man has to turn in the badge and gun for whatever Tai Chi magic he claimed he had, because this is just awful. Imagine claiming to have decades of practice in a discipline and issuing a combat challenge against another grown man only to be bested by a dude whose fighting technique basically emulates a particularly angry 3rd grade bully.
Just imagine. Couldn’t be me. Him and his Sifu gotta face repercussions for this travesty. I don’t care if his master’s dead, dig him up and slap him in the face, too. We can’t be walking around in these modern times doing stuff like this and on top of that have to pretend it’s worthy of any claim to combat readiness.
But if you can’t beat ’em, emulate them. Tai Chi guy decides to push back, shoving Iron Palm twice and barely getting him on his back foot. A pathetic display. Must’ve traded a lot of his qi energy for that sweet outfit, of which I am genuinely jealous of. I should fight him for it.
So Iron Palm says “You call that a push? This is a push!” and shoves him back about 3-4 times.
Man, what are we even doing here? You gotta have a friend or a loved one to save you from your own self. But no, no help came for this man. Nobody threw in a towel or even burped as a show of support. The ref decides that the only correct and adult thing to do is to call off this farce before the old man’s dentures end up in the fifth row or osteoporosis worsens the inevitable ugly fall he was about to have.
Thanks, ref.
Shono showcase
This week, we’ve got Judo Highlights showcasing a slice of the brilliant career of Judoka Ono Shohei. This is only one year of his athletic and competitive run, and it’s marvelous.
Kyokushin duel
Here’s a semifinal match from the Kyokushin men’s championship. It’s a grueling pace being run here, and anyone that’s ever sparred and taken this kind of damage knows this is a rough spot to be in.
And here’s a WKO classic with a sensational finish. A jaw-dropper and jaw-breaker all in one. Watch the whole thing and see how it builds to the electrifying end.
Kushti schooling
Man, this was something else. A Kushti match turns into a grueling experience as the larger competitor puts the other guy through the grappling equivalent of that thing janitors use to wring out the mop. There’s even a wild submission that just makes you feel bad for the guy.
Bringing back a classic
Shout out to this Taekwondo crew that did something of a Baby Shark tribute showcasing their impressive skills. Yeah, I hate the song, too. So what? These guys made it look fun.
We’re done here for today, kids. Be back next week, I’ll save you some milk and cookies or something. Go watch Bloodhounds on Netflix, it’s pretty dope. And remember: you might think you can fight, but there are many guys like you all over the world.
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