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Oh, almost didn’t see you there! Hi, kids! Uncle Victor’s back with some Kung Fu goodies this week, and I’m pleased to announced we are inching closer and closer to fully embracing madness.
So while you wait for this weekend’s UFC and Bellator events, we’re gonna feed you a steady drip of oddball violence. And before that, I’d like to remind you all that we appreciate and rely on your continued support and would urge you to please be a member over on Substack. Also, we have a mailbag now. Please be sure to e-mail us at Mailbag@BloodyElbow.com and I’ll give it to you straight whether it’s combat related or not.
And with that, let’s get to some testicle-crushing Kung Fu. Yes, we’ve reached that point.
All of life is Iron Crotch Kung Fu
When I was growing up, I was raised on the lovely cinematic violence of Shaw Brothers films like Kid With the Golden Arm, Five Deadly Venoms, and a really weird movie where an assassin stabbed people with a flute and had a frog-style Kung Fu thing going on. I loved seeing guys flying through the air, the mastery of their own bodies, and the creative body language expressed through fighting.
And to this day, I still do. Kung Fu movies were a welcome escape and still are. I obviously don’t see any of the fancy flourish fighting to be effective, and that’s fine. I appreciate the grace, effort and artistry.
So when I had the opportunity as a teen to train in Kung Fu with some friends, it was fun. I knew it wasn’t going to be like the movies. But there was a lot to learn, and it was worth it. The internet was not as widely available as it is now, and it wasn’t easy to learn more outside of your immediate circle. So when you learn that a lot of goofy shit in real life is somehow worse than what you saw in movies… things got weird.
I give you… Iron Crotch.
Not too much to parse here. Just an old dude getting blasted in the nuts over and over like the football video from the Simpsons. And lemme tell you, that’s cinema right there. With decades of training, this man has decided to not only forge his body in the fire of his will, but to make sure his balls crumple and get blown away by the wind as if they were Thanos-snapped.
“Say, Mortimer… what part of your body do you wanna make into iron?”
“Hard to pick one, but I’ll start with My Neck, My Back!”
The South China Morning Post notes that the older masters of this “300-year old” trove of secret techniques are concerned because younger generations are forgoing this. Can you blame him? Tell a 10-year-old you’re gonna train him in Kung Fu, and he’ll be ecstatic. Tell him it requires smashing his scrotum into a rubber bag full of Ovaltine mixed with motor oil, and he’s not gonna feel too fucking Hollywood about joining your little club. Check out little man on the far left contemplating some choices.
He’s like “Shit, I’ll just go play basketball instead.”
But the older guys that are doing it are thrilled to let you know that they’re not giving up on passing this on one way or another.
I mean, come on. You’re not jazzed to take part in this?
Look at the kicker’s face. He’s really putting some gusto into it. In the video you see a guy on the far right clapping like he’s almost cheering “Kill his balls! Kill his balls!” Also, are those a pair of fucking Pumas? They’re leaving some serious money on the table if they don’t sponsor this.
This guy also takes the battering ram to the gonads like a champ. Can’t say it’s much of an accomplishment.
Then these guys literally punch themselves into sterilization, because apparently vasectomies aren’t covered under the universal healthcare that covers most of the Chinese population. They look like they’re doing a Bel Biv Devoe dance number, too.
Maybe there’s a metaphor here for modern life, waking up every day and trying to work for a future that seems more and more bleak. Sure looks like they’re having fun, though.
We should note that the instructors warn that this takes a long time to prepare for and build resistance towards. Looks like creating that foundation makes a Vas Defrens.
Alright, fine. Let’s move on.
Lethwei time
Here’s a collection of some jaw-dropping (and jaw-breaking) knockouts out of Myanmar. There’s a bit of training footage to show you what the prepwork looks like, but it’s the in-ring stuff that really shines.
Teddy Time
Teddy (or Tedy) Sheedi is still a favorite around these parts. There’s no reason he should be clowning guys almost twice his size like this. May fortune forever bless this little guy.
Aloha hours
Here’s a cool mini-feature on Hawaiian martial arts, including expert Michelle Manu. There’s even a Cecil Peoples appearance at the end.
And here’s Manu demonstrating various weapon techniques and some hand-to-hand action near the end.
Another Muay Thai classic
Hope you’ve been enjoying Live Muay Thai Guy as much as I have. Here’s another classic he posted close to a decade ago. An absolutely crushing finale.
Don’t go losing your head…
We’ll end things close to where we started, and that’s my love of classic Kung Fu cinema. Here’s a trailer for a certified classic, Master of the Flying Guillotine. It’s a banger with some quirks, and you might even be able to watch the full version online if you’re so inclined.
That’ll be all until next week, kids. Happy to inform you that Tears of the Kingdom is just as breathtaking as everyone is saying. And remember – you might think you can fight, but there are many guys like you all over the world.
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