This is not a chronological, fact-based rebuttal of Dana White’s self-aggrandizing media assault a few days ago. It’s a tone poem, meant to elicit a nostalgia for an era that no longer exists, and never should have in the first place.
The UFC claimed they were going to buy an island, and it was gonna be the coolest, raddest place on earth. But also Dana was NOT going to tell the media any thing about it. None of your fucking business!
Left to our imaginations, we wondered what they’d come up with. The Arctic?
Would flashy scientific consultants help them?
Or mysterious international criminals?
Our hero worked tirelessly in an unforgiving and ever changing world
I really wished they’d ended up in Disneyworld
Alas, the UFC’s masterstroke, baking the card at Tachi Palace only resulted in a public spanking by those more powerful.
Once Fight Island became official, a minor feud with John Oliver ensued.
In the end, it all worked out for Dana. No one ever got sick, the hero’s journey was complete! Now to sit back and watch Cody Garbrant make his flyweight run, and this new fellow, Khamzat…
Take care of yourself and I’ll talk to you next year.
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